distilled to bitters

sometimes we just have to start over again
And live in a different context
And we are already 100% there and just don’t know it
Each new day
You get to choose these things

Inherent knowledge - imprinting
Sometimes I don’t know what it is
Or just can’t speak of it –
Memory avoidance
Deep pervasive associations
It’s possible that our memories and experiences
And pre-cognitive experiences
Are what we are
so
sometimes we just have to start over again

there are times when life really should be a holding pattern. it's okay.
to rest. to collect oneself. steady the mind and try to see through confusion.
gives you a chance to create benefits for yourself rather
than rushing through life
without thinking and creating harm.
bad choices obscure your true nature.
the paradigm is different now

experiential approach
making life decisions i cannot take lightly
city
job mate
fully letting go of the Self
reinventing it, actually
post experience
post old relationships
post past opportunity

this is also an opportunity to
experience as new
old places and things
and to try to understand how i know myself.

Sort of bummed today, can't give what I want to give. Good to be loved, makes me feel like I matter, to give and receive. I want to feel like I deserve this. I'm at a good place in my life, I am ready, I am. I think I deserve this. She is a fine person, deserves to be loved, to be loved deeply. ,,, no more words. just want to think right now.

what an amazing life. i am so incredibly fortunate. thank you.

giving dad a haircut in a moment. v. tired but happy i have had a good day. cleaning out storage. i don't need all these things. want to travel lighter, not so bound to quite as much stuff. when i am ready i will set sail.

happy for what i have
hopeful for a good rest of my life
good people
good reason
good spirits


pacific beach
conical shell
there's life in there yet
let me phone you
the waves speak freely
i should be listening too


i am listening
i am watching each word on my screen
that you give to me
this one is choice
and this one i will read again
those two over there
give me something to think about ,,,,,
why are you gifting me these beautiful thoughts
you know i won't give them back, ever


my brother moves like a panther
writes better than i do
woos the ladies and is drop-dead funny
he is a truth-teller with an irish-latino soul
and a french habit of irony
his tastes are blacker than coffee
and i love him for it
why are you gifting me with these beautiful people
you know i won't give them back ever


i read about the back bay tonight
and mercy street and the awful rowing to god
it doesn't get any easier, this reading
but it is good for one to contemplate
i'm in this conversation with the natural world
you step on a path this evening
a bluebird eats out of my squirrel-box
i just put things out
hoping to attract something of beauty
in ten and fourteen you sweep these pages
pass by shyly
i tell myself sometimes
we move by hidden hand
but the truth for me is that all things move to light in good time


if you throw shadows in my doorway it would amuse me
as a child the phantom shapes were frightening
and the bass notes on the piano as well
and the dark, smokey spot in the back of the fireplace
that was the worst of all
i think now i was a greedy child
looking for a different skin to belong in
with fascinations and arcane trivia
and the nightly herald-examiner
nixon and the war and janis overdosing in hollywood
oh take the tour and fly to the magic kingdom
i'm sorry i am walking a trail to my therapy
and they are impatient these days
don't answer email
they just expect me to be there on time
and i don't have any excuses
not anymore


if you nurture me with words
i will thrive and grow around your feet
go for an evening walk
wash your dishes
purr near you at evening
sleep beside and thrive
count starlings in the garden
if you keep sharing your true feelings
i will have to better myself
i warn you
there is a wealth of passion unspent
desire and small flashes of young brilliance
now i am stapled together and growing older
sometimes my memories are confusing
i was sure that something very different happened somewhere to me
but i boarded a train to the southern states
and jaywalked across a suburban street
sat in a kind woman's kitchen playing joni mitchell


when you meet someone in a tranny bar
at a basement rock and roll show you have to understand
ten and four is just a number
there is a sweetness to all beginnings
and sometimes the words keep on going
and they never really finish
and the conversation can be truly remarkable

let me flow across this lane and seek you
i will try talk therapy
and slow hypnosis
green is the color of nature
red is the color of love
blue is the color of the morning sky
there is a white star above us at all times
it is my sextant
if i could only find my Ariel
this radio would work just great
and i would finally have something to say
if i'm ready it will happen
so how do i allow this
i close this door somehow, try to be kind
but you make it so hard for me
let me get over you and make a new start
you just keep me hanging on
damn radio
i loved the 60s hits


oh i am free
ready for the long drive
ready for your call
blushing and giggling
smiling and quiet
listening
should i wait for the hidden hand
all things move to light in good time
it bears repeating
oh nothing
oh nothing
oh nothing
will wait for keeps
for real for keeps
she said ten and four and fifteen
i am a hopeful romantic
and i have some good ideas
and some that are pretty overwhelming
and i would hate to scare anyone
because i'm not that kind of guy
but i think it is sort of okay to share my poetry


there is some small flash
waiting in the clouds
and we can see it now
as we say good evening
8th June 2012

night of June 3 dreams

airplane black box i am on another plane, i find a black box, it is from a crash in which there were no survivors, a plane crash from an extremely high altitude (explosion). I am scared finding this and throw it off. at this juncture i am not in a plane but in something like a moving train.
then in convenience store parking lot at night (in hollywood?) . not great area. thinking about the black box and the fact that my fingerprints are on it and that i thew it away. i know there is no way that i can find it again, figure out where it is.

***
"this is what what is ______ (?)"
"this is what is claimed"
*** two-toned sandstone
***
group menaced by man with gun, like west side story though, b-movie actors and those who are more contemporary.
***
san jose prior to redevelopment. there was an earthquake and many of the old buildings are damaged. there are plans to build high-rise condos on many of the streets. I am with some young punk rockers telling them about the changes. dispirited.
***
man with gun shooting at our small group in a semi-dark room, pretty large room. he is near a corner shooting out at us. no one is hurt through this but he keeps shooting. finally one of us jump him and he is stabbed in the head. there is a green long duffel bag, i have it. the gun it put in there, also long thin yellow strips of paper and green ones, too. the gun is small, black...looks like a cap gun but it isn't...now it appears to not work...

apprehensive about trip to l.a. don't have enough time to do what i should probably be doing. or enough money. long drive in undependable car.

ithere is so much going on right now. father's day on the 17th. will be back home. dad seems better. finally felt well enough to go yesterday, twice. second time by myself, there was a computer there next to his bed with a big screen so i pulled up MS Word and left a message in big letters "please take good care of my dad, he is special". dad can't see it from where he is.

i've met someone i "knew" and yet didn't know. someone really nice that i'd always wanted to know. it's good. i feel good about that and good about what i'm doing and i don't want to stop. happy to be where i am. want to wake up and be good about where i am at and who i am. and i do.

damn i have to go, running late now. mind miles away and here. so much going on,,,,,good morning. '