wish for a hand guiding these stars
place them together
so i know what i'm looking at
explosion of light in the southern cross

hands guide me along
they are my angels
the odd devil
whatever my beliefs at the time

my cactus blooms
some of them only last one day every few years
you need to hold onto these things and remember
sometimes you are lucky to be in just the right place at the right moment


how do you bolster a faint spirit?
sometimes the life-force is weak-kneed
and you just have to shake and shudder across the room
til you get walking again

sometimes it's more complicated than that
and a person feels trapped
walks out of the room and into a misbegotten adventure
you shudder and shake til you get walking again

when you are a captive of circumstance
you take a dream in flight
what images we hold
what fancy and hope, what love
what life
what love

may 30, 2012

May 30th post

i'm going to bed now, grateful my dad has good medical care, hopeful my mom can hold up under the stress that she must be under. she will be home soon. dad has blood clots in his lungs, they apparently cling to cancer cells and travel through the body. not sure if this is directly related to his falling and injuring his ribs. you have memories of people as being much younger and stronger and in no way frail and you somehow cling to that as real instead of the reality of the present. i suppose many people do this with their parents. and sometimes their friends too. conversely those who were frail in the past may be in reality much stronger now and quite well, despite common opinion. so, i hope that for my dad and at least hope him to have a strong will.

no dreams

so, Dad has Stage 3a lung cancer. going to start Chemo tomorrow morning, I'm going with M & D to the hospital, may go to work may not later. My manager is "letting" me go but i am a temp, i can take off for these things no matter i think. maybe its delicate, being away from work at a japanese company. i don't know. i've lost count of how many times Dad was there, or got there as soon as he could for me. so, i'm there tomorrow no question. since i am here under my own name i don't feel 100% no holds barred, it would have been better if i was under some pseud or other (sigh). i saw Play and Endgame last night at the ACT. Lucky to have gone, wish I hadn't been so tired but I was glad to have made it. Beckett isn't meant to be seen or heard far away. Miss much nuance. I don't have any in my "library". I have no idea how many books i have or where they all are. But I don't think I have any Beckett right now. I had Krapps Last tape and also Watt. No more. Someday I am going to give away half of everything I have. I will, I will. trying to figure out how much money I will have for next month. i don't know with the car bill. $680 bucks for a car fire. it does feel good to write, it does. THAT makes it all worthwhile all the hard stuff it feels so good to have that Flow. it's a beautiful thing. i don't know where i would be without it and to be perfectly honest with you i DO know. it's okay to cry it's okay, to cry it's okay okay alright i think i am done now. i am written out. but i am glad i came here tonight. you never know if something is going to happen. HIT "publish"