distilled to bitters

sometimes we just have to start over again
And live in a different context
And we are already 100% there and just don’t know it
Each new day
You get to choose these things

Inherent knowledge - imprinting
Sometimes I don’t know what it is
Or just can’t speak of it –
Memory avoidance
Deep pervasive associations
It’s possible that our memories and experiences
And pre-cognitive experiences
Are what we are
so
sometimes we just have to start over again

there are times when life really should be a holding pattern. it's okay.
to rest. to collect oneself. steady the mind and try to see through confusion.
gives you a chance to create benefits for yourself rather
than rushing through life
without thinking and creating harm.
bad choices obscure your true nature.
the paradigm is different now

experiential approach
making life decisions i cannot take lightly
city
job mate
fully letting go of the Self
reinventing it, actually
post experience
post old relationships
post past opportunity

this is also an opportunity to
experience as new
old places and things
and to try to understand how i know myself.

Sort of bummed today, can't give what I want to give. Good to be loved, makes me feel like I matter, to give and receive. I want to feel like I deserve this. I'm at a good place in my life, I am ready, I am. I think I deserve this. She is a fine person, deserves to be loved, to be loved deeply. ,,, no more words. just want to think right now.

what an amazing life. i am so incredibly fortunate. thank you.

giving dad a haircut in a moment. v. tired but happy i have had a good day. cleaning out storage. i don't need all these things. want to travel lighter, not so bound to quite as much stuff. when i am ready i will set sail.

happy for what i have
hopeful for a good rest of my life
good people
good reason
good spirits


pacific beach
conical shell
there's life in there yet
let me phone you
the waves speak freely
i should be listening too


i am listening
i am watching each word on my screen
that you give to me
this one is choice
and this one i will read again
those two over there
give me something to think about ,,,,,
why are you gifting me these beautiful thoughts
you know i won't give them back, ever


my brother moves like a panther
writes better than i do
woos the ladies and is drop-dead funny
he is a truth-teller with an irish-latino soul
and a french habit of irony
his tastes are blacker than coffee
and i love him for it
why are you gifting me with these beautiful people
you know i won't give them back ever


i read about the back bay tonight
and mercy street and the awful rowing to god
it doesn't get any easier, this reading
but it is good for one to contemplate
i'm in this conversation with the natural world
you step on a path this evening
a bluebird eats out of my squirrel-box
i just put things out
hoping to attract something of beauty
in ten and fourteen you sweep these pages
pass by shyly
i tell myself sometimes
we move by hidden hand
but the truth for me is that all things move to light in good time


if you throw shadows in my doorway it would amuse me
as a child the phantom shapes were frightening
and the bass notes on the piano as well
and the dark, smokey spot in the back of the fireplace
that was the worst of all
i think now i was a greedy child
looking for a different skin to belong in
with fascinations and arcane trivia
and the nightly herald-examiner
nixon and the war and janis overdosing in hollywood
oh take the tour and fly to the magic kingdom
i'm sorry i am walking a trail to my therapy
and they are impatient these days
don't answer email
they just expect me to be there on time
and i don't have any excuses
not anymore


if you nurture me with words
i will thrive and grow around your feet
go for an evening walk
wash your dishes
purr near you at evening
sleep beside and thrive
count starlings in the garden
if you keep sharing your true feelings
i will have to better myself
i warn you
there is a wealth of passion unspent
desire and small flashes of young brilliance
now i am stapled together and growing older
sometimes my memories are confusing
i was sure that something very different happened somewhere to me
but i boarded a train to the southern states
and jaywalked across a suburban street
sat in a kind woman's kitchen playing joni mitchell


when you meet someone in a tranny bar
at a basement rock and roll show you have to understand
ten and four is just a number
there is a sweetness to all beginnings
and sometimes the words keep on going
and they never really finish
and the conversation can be truly remarkable

let me flow across this lane and seek you
i will try talk therapy
and slow hypnosis
green is the color of nature
red is the color of love
blue is the color of the morning sky
there is a white star above us at all times
it is my sextant
if i could only find my Ariel
this radio would work just great
and i would finally have something to say
if i'm ready it will happen
so how do i allow this
i close this door somehow, try to be kind
but you make it so hard for me
let me get over you and make a new start
you just keep me hanging on
damn radio
i loved the 60s hits


oh i am free
ready for the long drive
ready for your call
blushing and giggling
smiling and quiet
listening
should i wait for the hidden hand
all things move to light in good time
it bears repeating
oh nothing
oh nothing
oh nothing
will wait for keeps
for real for keeps
she said ten and four and fifteen
i am a hopeful romantic
and i have some good ideas
and some that are pretty overwhelming
and i would hate to scare anyone
because i'm not that kind of guy
but i think it is sort of okay to share my poetry


there is some small flash
waiting in the clouds
and we can see it now
as we say good evening
8th June 2012

night of June 3 dreams

airplane black box i am on another plane, i find a black box, it is from a crash in which there were no survivors, a plane crash from an extremely high altitude (explosion). I am scared finding this and throw it off. at this juncture i am not in a plane but in something like a moving train.
then in convenience store parking lot at night (in hollywood?) . not great area. thinking about the black box and the fact that my fingerprints are on it and that i thew it away. i know there is no way that i can find it again, figure out where it is.

***
"this is what what is ______ (?)"
"this is what is claimed"
*** two-toned sandstone
***
group menaced by man with gun, like west side story though, b-movie actors and those who are more contemporary.
***
san jose prior to redevelopment. there was an earthquake and many of the old buildings are damaged. there are plans to build high-rise condos on many of the streets. I am with some young punk rockers telling them about the changes. dispirited.
***
man with gun shooting at our small group in a semi-dark room, pretty large room. he is near a corner shooting out at us. no one is hurt through this but he keeps shooting. finally one of us jump him and he is stabbed in the head. there is a green long duffel bag, i have it. the gun it put in there, also long thin yellow strips of paper and green ones, too. the gun is small, black...looks like a cap gun but it isn't...now it appears to not work...

apprehensive about trip to l.a. don't have enough time to do what i should probably be doing. or enough money. long drive in undependable car.

ithere is so much going on right now. father's day on the 17th. will be back home. dad seems better. finally felt well enough to go yesterday, twice. second time by myself, there was a computer there next to his bed with a big screen so i pulled up MS Word and left a message in big letters "please take good care of my dad, he is special". dad can't see it from where he is.

i've met someone i "knew" and yet didn't know. someone really nice that i'd always wanted to know. it's good. i feel good about that and good about what i'm doing and i don't want to stop. happy to be where i am. want to wake up and be good about where i am at and who i am. and i do.

damn i have to go, running late now. mind miles away and here. so much going on,,,,,good morning. '

June 2 dream

Wrecked car, blue, narrowed from accident like a soda can, parked in parents driveway, or actually on the bushes next to the drive way...I try to see if I can roll it, and it moves, them rolls down the driveway and into the side of my car, scratching it. The more I try to move it out of the way the more it scratches my car.

“this neighborhood was much nicer when my parents were in the their 50s”
Then in am back at an apartment, this is one from a very old dream
Cats have not been fed in weeks, black cat, and ?? two other ones
All food is moldy
No water or food for cats in dishes it has been weeks
Think maybe they would be better living in the garage
but visualize them being cold in there
Washing off cat dishes and bowls
Tiffany was there at one time
Maybe last time I was there
Tiffany Wilson,,,what was her real first name again?

Music in head heartbreaker r stones

Back hatch of my car opens up like it is powered
I am trying to push int out of the way so I can move the wrecked one
Some kids in the neighborhood playing in the street
No on else is home

Earlier dream car at shopping center
Like the east palo alto one with the weird grocery store

Waiting waiting

Rain at night
Houston?
Skimming across water
Area equidistant from Austin Houston and Dallas
Skimming across a bridge with no lights on it
there are a number of these in the darkness across a large body of water most do not start or stop anywhere, they are like islands floating on the water, ruined
Broken down cars, homeless
At end of bridge some sort of homeless center
People inside waiting for food
Sign with different prices depending on who you are or how poor you are
Free for some people
I am not sure if I want to be here or not
but i am watching people, take some flyers, religious theme
Only some people let in at a time
Spaghetti and a dessert
Some people are leaving through the door,
Some brush by me
Woman in front of me sitting down
Man passes in front of me and then they are embracing
I have a chance to enter but decide not to

Motor scooter in Dallas
Sunny day
And i travel between Dallas an Ft Worth, in the dream this is a very short distance down a low hill, suburban area
Then in house, judys mothers? Looks different. Gloomy inside.
I am in one room by myself, movie on tv or actually a music video, fluorescent light in a box, man steps in and out
Dancing women, like a chorus line
r-rated, but they are obscured
then go out to hallway and into bathroom
karl rove id sitting in the floor taking an inventory of items there
some of these things are mine
I pass by and sit in the bathtub, push shower curtain aside
Talk for awhile
He is surprised I know what I know
He knows sue
Also I know a mutual friend by his African name
(very few people know this)
Then I am back on the scooter towards the library
In daylight
With books
When I get there you can go in but only the book drop is open although this is in the middle of the library
I return some books then see that some are tinas and that there are school papers in them (teaching materials)
So I keep those

Earlier part of dream I am in a used bookstore, a few other people there
Try to access some books but others keep falling down

wish for a hand guiding these stars
place them together
so i know what i'm looking at
explosion of light in the southern cross

hands guide me along
they are my angels
the odd devil
whatever my beliefs at the time

my cactus blooms
some of them only last one day every few years
you need to hold onto these things and remember
sometimes you are lucky to be in just the right place at the right moment


how do you bolster a faint spirit?
sometimes the life-force is weak-kneed
and you just have to shake and shudder across the room
til you get walking again

sometimes it's more complicated than that
and a person feels trapped
walks out of the room and into a misbegotten adventure
you shudder and shake til you get walking again

when you are a captive of circumstance
you take a dream in flight
what images we hold
what fancy and hope, what love
what life
what love

may 30, 2012

May 30th post

i'm going to bed now, grateful my dad has good medical care, hopeful my mom can hold up under the stress that she must be under. she will be home soon. dad has blood clots in his lungs, they apparently cling to cancer cells and travel through the body. not sure if this is directly related to his falling and injuring his ribs. you have memories of people as being much younger and stronger and in no way frail and you somehow cling to that as real instead of the reality of the present. i suppose many people do this with their parents. and sometimes their friends too. conversely those who were frail in the past may be in reality much stronger now and quite well, despite common opinion. so, i hope that for my dad and at least hope him to have a strong will.

no dreams

so, Dad has Stage 3a lung cancer. going to start Chemo tomorrow morning, I'm going with M & D to the hospital, may go to work may not later. My manager is "letting" me go but i am a temp, i can take off for these things no matter i think. maybe its delicate, being away from work at a japanese company. i don't know. i've lost count of how many times Dad was there, or got there as soon as he could for me. so, i'm there tomorrow no question. since i am here under my own name i don't feel 100% no holds barred, it would have been better if i was under some pseud or other (sigh). i saw Play and Endgame last night at the ACT. Lucky to have gone, wish I hadn't been so tired but I was glad to have made it. Beckett isn't meant to be seen or heard far away. Miss much nuance. I don't have any in my "library". I have no idea how many books i have or where they all are. But I don't think I have any Beckett right now. I had Krapps Last tape and also Watt. No more. Someday I am going to give away half of everything I have. I will, I will. trying to figure out how much money I will have for next month. i don't know with the car bill. $680 bucks for a car fire. it does feel good to write, it does. THAT makes it all worthwhile all the hard stuff it feels so good to have that Flow. it's a beautiful thing. i don't know where i would be without it and to be perfectly honest with you i DO know. it's okay to cry it's okay, to cry it's okay okay alright i think i am done now. i am written out. but i am glad i came here tonight. you never know if something is going to happen. HIT "publish"

i forget the damn thing is here

...and maybe i shouldn't care, maybe not. maybe i should be rambling again for lack of any other worthwhile writing. now i turn out a mean business letter nowadays and get paid for it but that is so i can rent a roof over my head and maybe buy a car that doesn't break down in the middle of intersections and supermarket parking lots.


my dad is sick,,,saved me so many times,,,can't get into it here,,,this entry is too stupid,,,but pray for him if you don't think praying is too weird,,,it does work,,,i assure you,,,

none of us actually get any better. we live in older and older bodies, and try to cope with it the best we can. some days are better than others, some months and some years. i am trying to be good to mine as best i can, i have work i want to finish in my life and some things i want to share. i want to spend some time living in the past and some time meeting new people. i want to have intense, worthwhile experiences with others. i want to spend more time in nature. i don't want to spend too much time on the stupid diversions that society offers us so we will shut up and not pay attention to anything important.

i want to be aware and care about where i am and who i know, i want to still feel deeply about people that i don't know and will never know. i want to keep feeling like i need to do a better job not wasting my life and my time.

i hope i have time to be productive and do good work in my life. p.s....................i like strange, random things. i hope i don't run out of them.

so on that note...

damn stuff on the internet

now i just wrote a heartfelt post about my friend trina and the damn thing is gone.

i'm sorry trina, i hope you are still alive. i think of you all the time, in the city, sober or not sober. i loved you.

i understand it is thundering and lightening and raining rain in san francisco. bad night to be out on the streets.

damn stuff you find on the internet
like this blog
god help the poor person who knows me running into this.
hello friend. here is my uncensored mind.
you know i believe in god and try to be a good person. i pray all the time in my own way. usually always in the shower. and at my desk at work.
yes, i work.
i live almost normally now.

so friends who googled my name and found this blog hello, how are you. welcome.
enjoy your stay here and lose yourself in my weird dream journal stuff

i'll try to keep it uncensored but my sex life stuff and my obsessions, i don't know. read what you want. i guess i should be grateful you care. people are short on time, they don't have much time for other people's thoughts. so if you are interested in mine then thank you.