now i just wrote a heartfelt post about my friend trina and the damn thing is gone.
i'm sorry trina, i hope you are still alive. i think of you all the time, in the city, sober or not sober. i loved you.
i understand it is thundering and lightening and raining rain in san francisco. bad night to be out on the streets.
damn stuff you find on the internet
like this blog
god help the poor person who knows me running into this.
hello friend. here is my uncensored mind.
you know i believe in god and try to be a good person. i pray all the time in my own way. usually always in the shower. and at my desk at work.
yes, i work.
i live almost normally now.
so friends who googled my name and found this blog hello, how are you. welcome.
enjoy your stay here and lose yourself in my weird dream journal stuff
i'll try to keep it uncensored but my sex life stuff and my obsessions, i don't know. read what you want. i guess i should be grateful you care. people are short on time, they don't have much time for other people's thoughts. so if you are interested in mine then thank you.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Friday, July 22, 2011
miscl notions summer 2011
got me to thinking about gang warfare
the crips and the bloods
mexican mafia
people would talk about that stuff like it was real up here even though this was only l.a. stuff, right?
maybe it wasn't. people would try to convince you of things they knew or associations that were scary but i have to wonder how much of it was real and how much was show. everyone needs some sort of armor. after all it is a war zone there. maybe sometimes just a spiritual war zone, but still, there is a war being fought there 24/7.
there is a street hierarchy and most of it is not even apparent. what you see on the street is just one level of it. people would let you in sometimes, why i don't know. probably because i was harmless, and i don't know...sometimes people genuinely liked me...trina mcqueen, i think about trina all the time. maybe not every day. but all the time. trina, i love her spirit. i am/was powerfully attracted to her and she flaunted it in a way, in some way she was attracted to me too. she was poison to me for that but i couldn't help it, i loved her. and i wanted her. i still love her and i still want her. we had this thing. and tempting. taking a shower "oh you never saw me naked before did you? hell no i hadn't. body language on the bed. lying back clothed, hands drifitng over to her crotch or under her shirt. sidling up to me chair to chair, i rubbed her thighs. god i wanted to fuck her. sex aside i wanted to save her to. i still want to. i dream of walking the tl looking for her, want to tell her i love you trina, i want to help you. i hope she is still alive, free, sober. i hope all of those things.
Faint lightning I am calling you closer to me
Give me the business, channel some life into this tired body
Let the keys type away and tell me the story as they wish to
I see the same brown rabbit each evening, sitting low in the grass
He watches me do the hard thing every second day, I have it so lucky right now
Ride incongito with aviator sunglasses, try not to space out and run anyone over on this mountain bike
I traverse the corridor of trees and pass tortises under the bridge
Ponder why there is this much driftwood on the edge of a man-made lake. And wonder why there are water snakes for the same reason. I saw one when I went swimming in austin, head up out of the water like loch ness. They are deadly, of course and then I imagined that everything I stepped on after that in this swimming hole was a water-snake.
Things go bump in the night
Racoons outside or maybe under the house. Took me the longest time to figure this out.
They are bumblers, makes me feel momentarily superior. They are however, much more fearsome than I could ever be.
Let the light flood the room, sleeper. Pull thy curtains back. Stop wasting time, it is failing you. Your life is dimming moment by moment. Think of what you are trying to accomplish in the moment. Too much waste. It’s a sin almost as bad as murder. You rob your own life mindlessly. At least on dope you are aware you are setting your notebooks and diaries on fire. Who needs life then at that moment. Bigger things than life right then yes.
Oh yes.
Death.
I am already liking this fake blog
7-20-2011
Dreams last night- Danielle 3rd night in a row. Vale sec night in a row, in this one he offers me a job to start after labor day, i can do some work for him from home online. Has documents for me to work on.
Plastic 60s chair mom used to have green/blue one,has only orange one now
People are coveting them
Vale / haight asbury/gallery
Dream of nyc
Wake up thinking that i am meant to live in sf or nyc or maybe so cal.
Tutti frutti little richard on the radio alarm
Phone calls. Have been on the phone more now since i have been out here than at any time as an adult.
Friday 7-22-2011
Ah fuck. Some guy stole a motorbike and crashed it into the back of my parked car. Damage is not major. Been a frustrating day. GPS could not find Sue’s hotel in Grapevine and I got lost trying to find it on my own. A bad morning. Never got to eat breakfast because she needed me there ASAP. Never told me she had an appointment to make somewhere til we got to the house. Her calling me relentlessly didn’t help matters, I got really stressed out and eventually wasn’t nice on the phone. Finally found the place. I still have no idea what her schedule is. She gets wound up and self-focused to exclusion of all else like Judy. I had other plans today no idea I was supposed to pick her up and bring her here briefly. So she has her car now and I should have parked mine in the driveway – it would not have been hit. But I was being polite by leaving her the driveway in case she came back (because I don’t know what the hell she is doing). Sometimes it seems like trying to do the right thing will come back and bite you on the ass.
the crips and the bloods
mexican mafia
people would talk about that stuff like it was real up here even though this was only l.a. stuff, right?
maybe it wasn't. people would try to convince you of things they knew or associations that were scary but i have to wonder how much of it was real and how much was show. everyone needs some sort of armor. after all it is a war zone there. maybe sometimes just a spiritual war zone, but still, there is a war being fought there 24/7.
there is a street hierarchy and most of it is not even apparent. what you see on the street is just one level of it. people would let you in sometimes, why i don't know. probably because i was harmless, and i don't know...sometimes people genuinely liked me...trina mcqueen, i think about trina all the time. maybe not every day. but all the time. trina, i love her spirit. i am/was powerfully attracted to her and she flaunted it in a way, in some way she was attracted to me too. she was poison to me for that but i couldn't help it, i loved her. and i wanted her. i still love her and i still want her. we had this thing. and tempting. taking a shower "oh you never saw me naked before did you? hell no i hadn't. body language on the bed. lying back clothed, hands drifitng over to her crotch or under her shirt. sidling up to me chair to chair, i rubbed her thighs. god i wanted to fuck her. sex aside i wanted to save her to. i still want to. i dream of walking the tl looking for her, want to tell her i love you trina, i want to help you. i hope she is still alive, free, sober. i hope all of those things.
Faint lightning I am calling you closer to me
Give me the business, channel some life into this tired body
Let the keys type away and tell me the story as they wish to
I see the same brown rabbit each evening, sitting low in the grass
He watches me do the hard thing every second day, I have it so lucky right now
Ride incongito with aviator sunglasses, try not to space out and run anyone over on this mountain bike
I traverse the corridor of trees and pass tortises under the bridge
Ponder why there is this much driftwood on the edge of a man-made lake. And wonder why there are water snakes for the same reason. I saw one when I went swimming in austin, head up out of the water like loch ness. They are deadly, of course and then I imagined that everything I stepped on after that in this swimming hole was a water-snake.
Things go bump in the night
Racoons outside or maybe under the house. Took me the longest time to figure this out.
They are bumblers, makes me feel momentarily superior. They are however, much more fearsome than I could ever be.
Let the light flood the room, sleeper. Pull thy curtains back. Stop wasting time, it is failing you. Your life is dimming moment by moment. Think of what you are trying to accomplish in the moment. Too much waste. It’s a sin almost as bad as murder. You rob your own life mindlessly. At least on dope you are aware you are setting your notebooks and diaries on fire. Who needs life then at that moment. Bigger things than life right then yes.
Oh yes.
Death.
I am already liking this fake blog
7-20-2011
Dreams last night- Danielle 3rd night in a row. Vale sec night in a row, in this one he offers me a job to start after labor day, i can do some work for him from home online. Has documents for me to work on.
Plastic 60s chair mom used to have green/blue one,has only orange one now
People are coveting them
Vale / haight asbury/gallery
Dream of nyc
Wake up thinking that i am meant to live in sf or nyc or maybe so cal.
Tutti frutti little richard on the radio alarm
Phone calls. Have been on the phone more now since i have been out here than at any time as an adult.
Friday 7-22-2011
Ah fuck. Some guy stole a motorbike and crashed it into the back of my parked car. Damage is not major. Been a frustrating day. GPS could not find Sue’s hotel in Grapevine and I got lost trying to find it on my own. A bad morning. Never got to eat breakfast because she needed me there ASAP. Never told me she had an appointment to make somewhere til we got to the house. Her calling me relentlessly didn’t help matters, I got really stressed out and eventually wasn’t nice on the phone. Finally found the place. I still have no idea what her schedule is. She gets wound up and self-focused to exclusion of all else like Judy. I had other plans today no idea I was supposed to pick her up and bring her here briefly. So she has her car now and I should have parked mine in the driveway – it would not have been hit. But I was being polite by leaving her the driveway in case she came back (because I don’t know what the hell she is doing). Sometimes it seems like trying to do the right thing will come back and bite you on the ass.
Monday, August 9, 2010
new york new york
,,,i had a great time,,,i should have moved there a long time ago,,,back to painting houses now,,,and waiting for a little longer,,,
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Dream # 47
knife murders - man, woman and small dog lured to a house - sordid business deal - daily drop at a gas station - detective
(next)
los angeles apartment - fire on a hill
(next)
filthy motel, disgusting rug - nigel the cat and zoey - i am traveling across country - i have just seen a flattened SUV on a flatbed truck (remains of accident) - the motel room is full of trash as well as all of my belongings - i was sleeping - just woke up - hungry - want to "get the hell out of here" - "monte"/nigel tries to escape through a window - i close it a bit - incredible filth in this apartment - "12/2005" date on the phone book - "don't want to leave a tip" - buttoning tan short sleeve shirt - trying to find my pants - don't want to take a shower, just want to leave a.s.a.p.
(next)
los angeles apartment - fire on a hill
(next)
filthy motel, disgusting rug - nigel the cat and zoey - i am traveling across country - i have just seen a flattened SUV on a flatbed truck (remains of accident) - the motel room is full of trash as well as all of my belongings - i was sleeping - just woke up - hungry - want to "get the hell out of here" - "monte"/nigel tries to escape through a window - i close it a bit - incredible filth in this apartment - "12/2005" date on the phone book - "don't want to leave a tip" - buttoning tan short sleeve shirt - trying to find my pants - don't want to take a shower, just want to leave a.s.a.p.
Dream # 46
Apartment in NYC - Colin Newman - jazz on hi-fi - Lewis, Newman, Hugo Burnham, Nick B. and I - "two versions" "will it still be a lie" - Newman says "yes, the others will agree" -
Dream # 45
San Francisco - Judy and I are walking down Market St. and see a doctor sitting at a card table at a bus stop in the center of the street. He is dispensing advice. Judy goes over there and he tells her to take homeopathic drops and stop ingesting sugar.
(next)
In an apartment. Corinne/Linda G. and Judy are arguing. I am trying to get Judy to give Corinne some advice that would actually benefit me. The conversation goes back and forth, I become aware that there is a second room in the apartment as a woman passes by in the hallway behind us (Asian, dark hair). Then the three of us are outside. Judy walks away, I am left with Corinne. I lean over to her to tell her something and then we are kissing, deeply.
(next)
In an apartment. Corinne/Linda G. and Judy are arguing. I am trying to get Judy to give Corinne some advice that would actually benefit me. The conversation goes back and forth, I become aware that there is a second room in the apartment as a woman passes by in the hallway behind us (Asian, dark hair). Then the three of us are outside. Judy walks away, I am left with Corinne. I lean over to her to tell her something and then we are kissing, deeply.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Dream # 44
Tenderloin - idealized version - eddy street between jones and taylor - grey day - crowd of people selling at s.e. corner of jones and eddy - i am further down the block near taylor, watching. i am about to walk that direction when a line of motorcycle cops drive past and stop at that corner. there is a large, old theater on my side of the block - i have a ticket so i go inside for a moment - then i am back outside and i walk across the street - except it's the block of o'farrell between leavenworth and jones with the little hotels - there is a two-story apartment building with only one apartment - the first level is an entry way - very small with an old elevator - i go up in the elevator and there is an "Old Bill" character but it's someone different - i am welcome there and he gives me his phone number - i think i am going to go back there though my parents are expecting me in sunnyvale - i have been gone for a day - i am back outside and walk up jones past the mail service between eddy and o'farrell - there is someone inside helping david - then i go across the street by the corner store and i see david across the street - i want to go back to the old man's apartment but i am reluctant to dial the number he gave me - then i am down by the old hilton hotel - some sort of bac event - something is wrong - jw is unhappy with the preparation but i was not involved - then i am going back inside the apartment but no one is home - not sure if i am supposed to be here or not -
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