June 2 dream

Wrecked car, blue, narrowed from accident like a soda can, parked in parents driveway, or actually on the bushes next to the drive way...I try to see if I can roll it, and it moves, them rolls down the driveway and into the side of my car, scratching it. The more I try to move it out of the way the more it scratches my car.

“this neighborhood was much nicer when my parents were in the their 50s”
Then in am back at an apartment, this is one from a very old dream
Cats have not been fed in weeks, black cat, and ?? two other ones
All food is moldy
No water or food for cats in dishes it has been weeks
Think maybe they would be better living in the garage
but visualize them being cold in there
Washing off cat dishes and bowls
Tiffany was there at one time
Maybe last time I was there
Tiffany Wilson,,,what was her real first name again?

Music in head heartbreaker r stones

Back hatch of my car opens up like it is powered
I am trying to push int out of the way so I can move the wrecked one
Some kids in the neighborhood playing in the street
No on else is home

Earlier dream car at shopping center
Like the east palo alto one with the weird grocery store

Waiting waiting

Rain at night
Houston?
Skimming across water
Area equidistant from Austin Houston and Dallas
Skimming across a bridge with no lights on it
there are a number of these in the darkness across a large body of water most do not start or stop anywhere, they are like islands floating on the water, ruined
Broken down cars, homeless
At end of bridge some sort of homeless center
People inside waiting for food
Sign with different prices depending on who you are or how poor you are
Free for some people
I am not sure if I want to be here or not
but i am watching people, take some flyers, religious theme
Only some people let in at a time
Spaghetti and a dessert
Some people are leaving through the door,
Some brush by me
Woman in front of me sitting down
Man passes in front of me and then they are embracing
I have a chance to enter but decide not to

Motor scooter in Dallas
Sunny day
And i travel between Dallas an Ft Worth, in the dream this is a very short distance down a low hill, suburban area
Then in house, judys mothers? Looks different. Gloomy inside.
I am in one room by myself, movie on tv or actually a music video, fluorescent light in a box, man steps in and out
Dancing women, like a chorus line
r-rated, but they are obscured
then go out to hallway and into bathroom
karl rove id sitting in the floor taking an inventory of items there
some of these things are mine
I pass by and sit in the bathtub, push shower curtain aside
Talk for awhile
He is surprised I know what I know
He knows sue
Also I know a mutual friend by his African name
(very few people know this)
Then I am back on the scooter towards the library
In daylight
With books
When I get there you can go in but only the book drop is open although this is in the middle of the library
I return some books then see that some are tinas and that there are school papers in them (teaching materials)
So I keep those

Earlier part of dream I am in a used bookstore, a few other people there
Try to access some books but others keep falling down

wish for a hand guiding these stars
place them together
so i know what i'm looking at
explosion of light in the southern cross

hands guide me along
they are my angels
the odd devil
whatever my beliefs at the time

my cactus blooms
some of them only last one day every few years
you need to hold onto these things and remember
sometimes you are lucky to be in just the right place at the right moment


how do you bolster a faint spirit?
sometimes the life-force is weak-kneed
and you just have to shake and shudder across the room
til you get walking again

sometimes it's more complicated than that
and a person feels trapped
walks out of the room and into a misbegotten adventure
you shudder and shake til you get walking again

when you are a captive of circumstance
you take a dream in flight
what images we hold
what fancy and hope, what love
what life
what love

may 30, 2012

May 30th post

i'm going to bed now, grateful my dad has good medical care, hopeful my mom can hold up under the stress that she must be under. she will be home soon. dad has blood clots in his lungs, they apparently cling to cancer cells and travel through the body. not sure if this is directly related to his falling and injuring his ribs. you have memories of people as being much younger and stronger and in no way frail and you somehow cling to that as real instead of the reality of the present. i suppose many people do this with their parents. and sometimes their friends too. conversely those who were frail in the past may be in reality much stronger now and quite well, despite common opinion. so, i hope that for my dad and at least hope him to have a strong will.

no dreams

so, Dad has Stage 3a lung cancer. going to start Chemo tomorrow morning, I'm going with M & D to the hospital, may go to work may not later. My manager is "letting" me go but i am a temp, i can take off for these things no matter i think. maybe its delicate, being away from work at a japanese company. i don't know. i've lost count of how many times Dad was there, or got there as soon as he could for me. so, i'm there tomorrow no question. since i am here under my own name i don't feel 100% no holds barred, it would have been better if i was under some pseud or other (sigh). i saw Play and Endgame last night at the ACT. Lucky to have gone, wish I hadn't been so tired but I was glad to have made it. Beckett isn't meant to be seen or heard far away. Miss much nuance. I don't have any in my "library". I have no idea how many books i have or where they all are. But I don't think I have any Beckett right now. I had Krapps Last tape and also Watt. No more. Someday I am going to give away half of everything I have. I will, I will. trying to figure out how much money I will have for next month. i don't know with the car bill. $680 bucks for a car fire. it does feel good to write, it does. THAT makes it all worthwhile all the hard stuff it feels so good to have that Flow. it's a beautiful thing. i don't know where i would be without it and to be perfectly honest with you i DO know. it's okay to cry it's okay, to cry it's okay okay alright i think i am done now. i am written out. but i am glad i came here tonight. you never know if something is going to happen. HIT "publish"

i forget the damn thing is here

...and maybe i shouldn't care, maybe not. maybe i should be rambling again for lack of any other worthwhile writing. now i turn out a mean business letter nowadays and get paid for it but that is so i can rent a roof over my head and maybe buy a car that doesn't break down in the middle of intersections and supermarket parking lots.


my dad is sick,,,saved me so many times,,,can't get into it here,,,this entry is too stupid,,,but pray for him if you don't think praying is too weird,,,it does work,,,i assure you,,,

none of us actually get any better. we live in older and older bodies, and try to cope with it the best we can. some days are better than others, some months and some years. i am trying to be good to mine as best i can, i have work i want to finish in my life and some things i want to share. i want to spend some time living in the past and some time meeting new people. i want to have intense, worthwhile experiences with others. i want to spend more time in nature. i don't want to spend too much time on the stupid diversions that society offers us so we will shut up and not pay attention to anything important.

i want to be aware and care about where i am and who i know, i want to still feel deeply about people that i don't know and will never know. i want to keep feeling like i need to do a better job not wasting my life and my time.

i hope i have time to be productive and do good work in my life. p.s....................i like strange, random things. i hope i don't run out of them.

so on that note...

damn stuff on the internet

now i just wrote a heartfelt post about my friend trina and the damn thing is gone.

i'm sorry trina, i hope you are still alive. i think of you all the time, in the city, sober or not sober. i loved you.

i understand it is thundering and lightening and raining rain in san francisco. bad night to be out on the streets.

damn stuff you find on the internet
like this blog
god help the poor person who knows me running into this.
hello friend. here is my uncensored mind.
you know i believe in god and try to be a good person. i pray all the time in my own way. usually always in the shower. and at my desk at work.
yes, i work.
i live almost normally now.

so friends who googled my name and found this blog hello, how are you. welcome.
enjoy your stay here and lose yourself in my weird dream journal stuff

i'll try to keep it uncensored but my sex life stuff and my obsessions, i don't know. read what you want. i guess i should be grateful you care. people are short on time, they don't have much time for other people's thoughts. so if you are interested in mine then thank you.

miscl notions summer 2011

got me to thinking about gang warfare
the crips and the bloods
mexican mafia
people would talk about that stuff like it was real up here even though this was only l.a. stuff, right?

maybe it wasn't. people would try to convince you of things they knew or associations that were scary but i have to wonder how much of it was real and how much was show. everyone needs some sort of armor. after all it is a war zone there. maybe sometimes just a spiritual war zone, but still, there is a war being fought there 24/7.
there is a street hierarchy and most of it is not even apparent. what you see on the street is just one level of it. people would let you in sometimes, why i don't know. probably because i was harmless, and i don't know...sometimes people genuinely liked me...trina mcqueen, i think about trina all the time. maybe not every day. but all the time. trina, i love her spirit. i am/was powerfully attracted to her and she flaunted it in a way, in some way she was attracted to me too. she was poison to me for that but i couldn't help it, i loved her. and i wanted her. i still love her and i still want her. we had this thing. and tempting. taking a shower "oh you never saw me naked before did you? hell no i hadn't. body language on the bed. lying back clothed, hands drifitng over to her crotch or under her shirt. sidling up to me chair to chair, i rubbed her thighs. god i wanted to fuck her. sex aside i wanted to save her to. i still want to. i dream of walking the tl looking for her, want to tell her i love you trina, i want to help you. i hope she is still alive, free, sober. i hope all of those things.

Faint lightning I am calling you closer to me
Give me the business, channel some life into this tired body
Let the keys type away and tell me the story as they wish to

I see the same brown rabbit each evening, sitting low in the grass
He watches me do the hard thing every second day, I have it so lucky right now
Ride incongito with aviator sunglasses, try not to space out and run anyone over on this mountain bike

I traverse the corridor of trees and pass tortises under the bridge
Ponder why there is this much driftwood on the edge of a man-made lake. And wonder why there are water snakes for the same reason. I saw one when I went swimming in austin, head up out of the water like loch ness. They are deadly, of course and then I imagined that everything I stepped on after that in this swimming hole was a water-snake.

Things go bump in the night
Racoons outside or maybe under the house. Took me the longest time to figure this out.
They are bumblers, makes me feel momentarily superior. They are however, much more fearsome than I could ever be.

Let the light flood the room, sleeper. Pull thy curtains back. Stop wasting time, it is failing you. Your life is dimming moment by moment. Think of what you are trying to accomplish in the moment. Too much waste. It’s a sin almost as bad as murder. You rob your own life mindlessly. At least on dope you are aware you are setting your notebooks and diaries on fire. Who needs life then at that moment. Bigger things than life right then yes.

Oh yes.

Death.

I am already liking this fake blog

7-20-2011
Dreams last night- Danielle 3rd night in a row. Vale sec night in a row, in this one he offers me a job to start after labor day, i can do some work for him from home online. Has documents for me to work on.
Plastic 60s chair mom used to have green/blue one,has only orange one now
People are coveting them
Vale / haight asbury/gallery
Dream of nyc
Wake up thinking that i am meant to live in sf or nyc or maybe so cal.
Tutti frutti little richard on the radio alarm
Phone calls. Have been on the phone more now since i have been out here than at any time as an adult.

Friday 7-22-2011

Ah fuck. Some guy stole a motorbike and crashed it into the back of my parked car. Damage is not major. Been a frustrating day. GPS could not find Sue’s hotel in Grapevine and I got lost trying to find it on my own. A bad morning. Never got to eat breakfast because she needed me there ASAP. Never told me she had an appointment to make somewhere til we got to the house. Her calling me relentlessly didn’t help matters, I got really stressed out and eventually wasn’t nice on the phone. Finally found the place. I still have no idea what her schedule is. She gets wound up and self-focused to exclusion of all else like Judy. I had other plans today no idea I was supposed to pick her up and bring her here briefly. So she has her car now and I should have parked mine in the driveway – it would not have been hit. But I was being polite by leaving her the driveway in case she came back (because I don’t know what the hell she is doing). Sometimes it seems like trying to do the right thing will come back and bite you on the ass.